I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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