my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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