I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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