shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
