last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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