there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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