Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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