it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
