I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
