mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
