Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
