saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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