I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
