So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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