Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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