This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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