So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
