i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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