I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
