if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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