Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
