he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
