i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
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We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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