TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
