I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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