the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
