I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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