Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
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I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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