Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
