Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
