glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
