i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
