Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
