i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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