You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
