Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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