How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
