I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
