SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
