Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
