Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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