I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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