Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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