u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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