The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
