hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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