I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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