You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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