I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
