Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
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I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
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your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize