My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
