Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ketchup is God's man juice
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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