Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
