We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
