Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
