You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
