Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
