I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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